Film Reviews by Alphaville

Two attractive snake women (one naughty and one nice) assume human form and one falls in love. Cue embarrassingly bad schmalz. A bored-looking Jet Li gets involved to fight swirling cgi and save the world, but the nonsense plot’s really just an excuse on which to hang the visuals. If you’re happy just to sit back and let all sorts of inventive cgi battles wash over the screen, you’re in for a treat. Even so, it all gets a bit wearing after a while. They certainly don’t make ‘em like this in the west.

A mood piece in which alcoholic London girl Saoirse heads to the wilds of Orkney to find herself. Does she? Whadyathink? Even the blurb tells us she’s on ‘a path of healing and rediscovering hope’. Based on a book and good luck to the author, but a by-the-numbers film? Wake me up when it’s over.

Couldn’t get into this film at all. Well done the trailer makers for making it look interesting, but after nearly half an hour nothing had happened and I gave up. Gretchen moves to an Alpine resort with her father and starts work as a receptionist. Dan Stevens, her boss, has a creepy German accent and there’s some weird music on the soundtrack. A FF through the rest of the film didn’t reveal anything more interesting. And if you’re expecting some nice Alpine scenery, forget it. Most of the non-action occurs indoors. Soooo slow. Horror film? Horrific bore, more like.

The plot is a rehash of the original Alien. A group of people wander around a deserted space station waiting for aliens to jump out at them. Why is it so dark and dismal and same-old same-old? A one-star movie with an extra star for a startling ending… if you last that long.

In 1945 a kamikaze pilot quite rightly opts out of a ‘noble death’ but (who’d have thought?) he’s now got Godzilla to contend with. Yep, it’s a Godzilla film as only the Japanese know how to make them and this one’s a doozie. As if Tokyo hasn’t been flattened enough by the Americans (Year Zero), just watch what Godzilla has in store for it (hence Year Minus One). But there’s hope. Scientist Baldrick (aka Mr Noda) has a cunning plan. As for the domestic drama between set pieces, it’s pretty mundane at times, but it pays off in a neat and touching multiple ending. Overall… beautiful to look at, brilliant cgi, epic battle scenes... A proper movie.

After the excellent Pearl and okay X this third bite of the cherry from director Ti West and star Mia Goth is just too seedy to like. Set in the porn industry of 1980s Hollywood, it’s as sleazy as the porn films themselves. It doesn’t help that our porn star anti-heroine Maxxxine is vicious and unlikable. There’s also a serial killer on the loose, although the sagging plot seems more interested in Maxxxine’s efforts to be a proper film star. And when we meet the serial killer he turns out to be nothing better than a gurning caricature. Pearl was great, Ti, but it’s time to move on and leave the horror genre behind.

Impeccably directed by Shyamalan, this tense thriller starts with an affable anti-hero serial killer trapped by hordes of police when he accompanies his daughter to a concert to see pop sensation Lady Raven. We see everything from his point of view as he takes ever more desperate measures to escape… and when Lady Raven herself (Shyamalan’s daughter) gets involved the tension really ramps up. Shyamalan introduces and drops important characters at will, which has made some critics call the film disjointed. On the contrary, it keeps you on your toes. You never know where the plot’s going and, with a director at the helm who knows exactly how to shoot with a camera, that makes for compulsive viewing.

On a Texas farm in 1918 Pearl lives with her stern mother and comatose farther and dreams of becoming a dancer in the movies. But we know something is amiss when she skewers a goose and feeds it to a crocadile during the opening credits. It’s a beautifully-filmed little thriller cum drama cum musical cum horror film. Unlike most dim, dark, shadowy films of its ilk, it’s is shot in gorgeous colour that is a joy to watch. It lures you in then lets loose with scenes that will have you squirming but unable to look away (AVOID the trailer). More, please.

This companion piece to Pearl, with the same star and director, sees a group of six young people making an ‘adult’ movie in an old farmhouse. It’s a more straightforward horror film than the brilliant Pearl, lacking the latter’s narrative drive and sheer beauty, but it’s still a cut above your usual creepy horror film. It even has moments of humour and sadness between toe-curling scenes that will have you looking away. And many will find a surprise among the cast list during the end credits.

The original Deadpool was clichéd but at least tried to be different from the usual Marvel fodder. This just scrapes the barrel from Frame 1, with lots of in-jokes for fanboys played to a score of awful pop songs. The dialogue shoots for laughs and misses cringingly in just about every scene, and as for the cgi action… well, did you really expect anything interesting? Why can’t we award films zero stars?

Intense, moody film with a dark colour palette and a relentless downbeat score. It won’t be for everyone. For the patience-testing first 15 minutes we follow our hero as he does nothing of interest, then he sees his doppelganger and their lives become intertwined. The trailer tells you the whole plot anyway – what little there is of it. It could be the basis for a good thriller, but the emphasis here is on mood with lots of slow, meaningful looks. It desperately needs more oomph.

It’s hard to believe how poorly made this French film is, especially with Luc Besson involved. Everything about it – plot, acting, direction, editing – is a mess. It’s about 7 young nonentities who climb buildings and ignore the law. The cops are ridiculously Keystone and can’t catch them. The camerawork and editing are all over the place. And if you’re thinking the parkour stunts will at least be worth watching, forget it. The action is minimal and the stunts are fudged by judicious edits. If you want to see a thrilling parkour film watch Tracers or District 13.

A riot of a movie in which the set-up is little more than an excuse for some imaginative cgi action sequences set to a blistering rock score. If you love the music, you’ll want to watch this more than once. The pre-titles opening sequence alone, set to The Eurythmics ‘Sweet Dreams’ is a beautifully-shot little film in its own right. As is the first set-piece in which our heroine has to fight giant Japanese warriors, set to a crunching version of Bjork’s ‘Army of Me’. No more spoilers. The in-between talkie scenes add mystery but are really only filling a gap till the next cgi extravaganza. As usual, director Zack Snyder films beautifully. He’s obviously having fun and it’s infectious.

Pedestrian film-making with a static camera robs the film of any interest. What remains is a series of talkie tableaux with lots of close-ups of Mads Mikkelsen being his usual inexpressive self. One for the undiscerning arthouse crowd only.

Seriously under-appreciated intelligent apocalyptic thriller not helped by the giveaway trailer and picture at the head of this CP page. Can it be possible to predict the future? The puzzle at the film’s heart, where a girl’s predictions of disasters seem to be coming true, gives the script real narrative drive. Startling set pieces are interwoven with more moving and contemplative moments. Nicholas Cage nay-sayers won’t like it, but his restrained performance here works. Above all, director Alex Proyas seems intuitively to know exactly what to do with the camera to make every scene visually interesting. Examples? See how he puts the camera on the floor to film Cage prowling around his room. Marvel at the long single take of the amazing first set-piece. Ignore the nay-sayers. This is a proper movie. Wallow.