Film Reviews by Alphaville

The animation is exemplary, of course, but after the initial action sequence in the Peruvian jungle it’s blandly downhill from then on. Paddington’s lo-key adversary Antonio Banderas (miscast) could send you to sleep. Where’s Hugh Grant when you need him?

Yet another period Chinese fantasy with the usual cardboard characters, hammy acting, silly cgi and seen-it-all-before wirework. Only the OTT final set-to with hordes of skeletons is worth the watch.

Better known as The Twins Effect 2, this is a period Chinese extravaganza from 2004 starring the Twins (Charlene Choi and Gillian Chung). Nothing could match the first Twins Effect, but this is still an epic mind-boggling romp. It’s exotic, it’s colourful, it’s got great sets, scenery and wirework action. The Twins have great screen presence and in this one they get to rule the roost in a society in which the men are slaves. Sit back and let all the outlandish bravado wash over you.

As with most biopics, you have to be really interested in the subject as there’s not much else of interest going on here. More an anti-Trump diatribe than a feature film, it’s s negative as you would expect from a Hollywood movie. Competently told, well-acted, blandly directed.

Off-putting title for a fascinating drama set in 19th-century New Zealand, where tensions run high between English settlers and bloodthirsty Maori tribes. Guy Pearce is a lay preacher caught between various warring factions. There are few dramatic highs, but it does have moments that are tense, moving and even gripping. It’s also beautifully filmed by Lee Tamahori on the New Zealand coast. A solid watch that doesn’t seem too long even at two hours.

With a Russian director, this cheesy Chinese/Mongolian epic about the childhood and early years of Genghis Khan isn’t as hammy as many of its ilk, but there’s very little to hold interest. The by-the-numbers plot is punctuated by the worst wobble-cam battle scenes you’ve ever seen, complete with laughable cgi blood spatters. A one-star film with an extra star for the landscapes of the Steppe, which are admittedly beautifully filmed.

Under-the-radar and under-appreciated, this compelling ‘sad thriller’ almost stakes out a new genre for itself. The early scene-setting is perhaps too drawn-out, but it sets the tone that makes the rest of the film so interesting. When the action ramps up it’s expertly and excitingly shot, while at the same time you feel for the characters, even the minor ones caught up on the wrong side. As for lead Chris Pine, he’s excellent as the down-on-his-luck ex-soldier trying to make sense of the mayhem and moral dilemmas in which he finds himself.

From the ridiculous woke trigger warning at the beginning (which should be for offences to film rather than for violence), this is a travesty of an effort that has nothing going for it at all. It comes across as a cheap TV drama in which little happens and the screen is filled with big close-ups of talking heads spouting nothing of interest in interior sets. Watching paint dry would be more enjoyable.

For 25 mins this is a good watch as CIA hitman Aaron Eckhart goes about his business around the world. Nothing new here, but refreshingly the story is told visually with minimal dialogue. The downbeat mood and soulful score add to the appeal as he sees visions of his lost love everywhere. Then annoying frog-voiced Abigail Breslin appears as his tubby comedic sidekick and it all falls apart. The emphasis switches to their boring relationship while they’re pursued by a posse of badmen who can’t shoot straight. Shame.

If you found Joker 1 a distasteful bore, Joker 2 is unwatchable. Most of it consists of clichéd prison/courtroom scenes interleaved with ridiculous musical interludes where he cavorts to show tunes with Lady Gaga. Drama-free, flat, one-paced… The fast-edited trailer may lure an unsuspecting audience in, but there’s no energy in the film itself. It’s hardly worth wasting time reviewing it never mind attempting to watch it.

Erotic thriller? Not unless you’re turned on by OTT sexual aggression. The time-shifting plot starts in the middle (Chapter 3 of 6) with an imaginative car-chase but soon gets bogged down in overlong static close-ups of talking heads. Its shifting plot does upend audience expectations and seems to have garnered good reviews from jaded critics, but it has little else going for it. Hardly the promised ‘thrill ride’, with no interesting characters and little else of interest going on. Bored by incessant time-filling dialogue, I was soon on FF looking for somewhere interesting to pause. The end. A one-star film with another star for at least an attempt to be different.

After the wonderful French remake of The Three Musketeers, this equally colourful old-school near-3hr adventure is the kind of epic they sadly no longer make in Hollywood. If you don’t know the story it must seem even better, although unforgivably they tell us the plot not only on the DVD sleeve but also over the DVD’s opening menu page. Even knowing the plot, this is a stirring adaptation, with less derring-do than the Musketeers but with equal grandeur, flair and visual spectacle. Good use of drone shots adds to the visual panache. The second-half plot becomes a tad unbelievable at times, but all comes together again for a rousing and touching last half-hour.

The Asylum are a lo-budget straight-to-DVD film company who make atrocious films. Alien Apocalypse (aka Alien Rubicon) has nothing to do with the Alien franchise. It’s a bargain-basement cheapie set mostly in a limited-location laboratory where talking heads discuss off-screen action. It’s point-and-shoot film-making with terrible dialogue, amateurish acting and overuse of shaky-cam to mimic action. The trailer shows all the minimal special effects. Too long at 5 minutes never mind strung out to 80.

Two attractive snake women (one naughty and one nice) assume human form and one falls in love. Cue embarrassingly bad schmalz. A bored-looking Jet Li gets involved to fight swirling cgi and save the world, but the nonsense plot’s really just an excuse on which to hang the visuals. If you’re happy just to sit back and let all sorts of inventive cgi battles wash over the screen, you’re in for a treat. Even so, it all gets a bit wearing after a while. They certainly don’t make ‘em like this in the west.

A mood piece in which alcoholic London girl Saoirse heads to the wilds of Orkney to find herself. Does she? Whadyathink? Even the blurb tells us she’s on ‘a path of healing and rediscovering hope’. Based on a book and good luck to the author, but a by-the-numbers film? Wake me up when it’s over.