Film Reviews by Alphaville

From the ridiculous woke trigger warning at the beginning (which should be for offences to film rather than for violence), this is a travesty of an effort that has nothing going for it at all. It comes across as a cheap TV drama in which little happens and the screen is filled with big close-ups of talking heads spouting nothing of interest in interior sets. Watching paint dry would be more enjoyable.

For 25 mins this is a good watch as CIA hitman Aaron Eckhart goes about his business around the world. Nothing new here, but refreshingly the story is told visually with minimal dialogue. The downbeat mood and soulful score add to the appeal as he sees visions of his lost love everywhere. Then annoying frog-voiced Abigail Breslin appears as his tubby comedic sidekick and it all falls apart. The emphasis switches to their boring relationship while they’re pursued by a posse of badmen who can’t shoot straight. Shame.

If you found Joker 1 a distasteful bore, Joker 2 is unwatchable. Most of it consists of clichéd prison/courtroom scenes interleaved with ridiculous musical interludes where he cavorts to show tunes with Lady Gaga. Drama-free, flat, one-paced… The fast-edited trailer may lure an unsuspecting audience in, but there’s no energy in the film itself. It’s hardly worth wasting time reviewing it never mind attempting to watch it.

Erotic thriller? Not unless you’re turned on by OTT sexual aggression. The time-shifting plot starts in the middle (Chapter 3 of 6) with an imaginative car-chase but soon gets bogged down in overlong static close-ups of talking heads. Its shifting plot does upend audience expectations and seems to have garnered good reviews from jaded critics, but it has little else going for it. Hardly the promised ‘thrill ride’, with no interesting characters and little else of interest going on. Bored by incessant time-filling dialogue, I was soon on FF looking for somewhere interesting to pause. The end. A one-star film with another star for at least an attempt to be different.

After the wonderful French remake of The Three Musketeers, this equally colourful old-school near-3hr adventure is the kind of epic they sadly no longer make in Hollywood. If you don’t know the story it must seem even better, although unforgivably they tell us the plot not only on the DVD sleeve but also over the DVD’s opening menu page. Even knowing the plot, this is a stirring adaptation, with less derring-do than the Musketeers but with equal grandeur, flair and visual spectacle. Good use of drone shots adds to the visual panache. The second-half plot becomes a tad unbelievable at times, but all comes together again for a rousing and touching last half-hour.

The Asylum are a lo-budget straight-to-DVD film company who make atrocious films. Alien Apocalypse (aka Alien Rubicon) has nothing to do with the Alien franchise. It’s a bargain-basement cheapie set mostly in a limited-location laboratory where talking heads discuss off-screen action. It’s point-and-shoot film-making with terrible dialogue, amateurish acting and overuse of shaky-cam to mimic action. The trailer shows all the minimal special effects. Too long at 5 minutes never mind strung out to 80.

Two attractive snake women (one naughty and one nice) assume human form and one falls in love. Cue embarrassingly bad schmalz. A bored-looking Jet Li gets involved to fight swirling cgi and save the world, but the nonsense plot’s really just an excuse on which to hang the visuals. If you’re happy just to sit back and let all sorts of inventive cgi battles wash over the screen, you’re in for a treat. Even so, it all gets a bit wearing after a while. They certainly don’t make ‘em like this in the west.

A mood piece in which alcoholic London girl Saoirse heads to the wilds of Orkney to find herself. Does she? Whadyathink? Even the blurb tells us she’s on ‘a path of healing and rediscovering hope’. Based on a book and good luck to the author, but a by-the-numbers film? Wake me up when it’s over.

Couldn’t get into this film at all. Well done the trailer makers for making it look interesting, but after nearly half an hour nothing had happened and I gave up. Gretchen moves to an Alpine resort with her father and starts work as a receptionist. Dan Stevens, her boss, has a creepy German accent and there’s some weird music on the soundtrack. A FF through the rest of the film didn’t reveal anything more interesting. And if you’re expecting some nice Alpine scenery, forget it. Most of the non-action occurs indoors. Soooo slow. Horror film? Horrific bore, more like.

The plot is a rehash of the original Alien. A group of people wander around a deserted space station waiting for aliens to jump out at them. Why is it so dark and dismal and same-old same-old? A one-star movie with an extra star for a startling ending… if you last that long.

In 1945 a kamikaze pilot quite rightly opts out of a ‘noble death’ but (who’d have thought?) he’s now got Godzilla to contend with. Yep, it’s a Godzilla film as only the Japanese know how to make them and this one’s a doozie. As if Tokyo hasn’t been flattened enough by the Americans (Year Zero), just watch what Godzilla has in store for it (hence Year Minus One). But there’s hope. Scientist Baldrick (aka Mr Noda) has a cunning plan. As for the domestic drama between set pieces, it’s pretty mundane at times, but it pays off in a neat and touching multiple ending. Overall… beautiful to look at, brilliant cgi, epic battle scenes... A proper movie.

After the excellent Pearl and okay X this third bite of the cherry from director Ti West and star Mia Goth is just too seedy to like. Set in the porn industry of 1980s Hollywood, it’s as sleazy as the porn films themselves. It doesn’t help that our porn star anti-heroine Maxxxine is vicious and unlikable. There’s also a serial killer on the loose, although the sagging plot seems more interested in Maxxxine’s efforts to be a proper film star. And when we meet the serial killer he turns out to be nothing better than a gurning caricature. Pearl was great, Ti, but it’s time to move on and leave the horror genre behind.

Impeccably directed by Shyamalan, this tense thriller starts with an affable anti-hero serial killer trapped by hordes of police when he accompanies his daughter to a concert to see pop sensation Lady Raven. We see everything from his point of view as he takes ever more desperate measures to escape… and when Lady Raven herself (Shyamalan’s daughter) gets involved the tension really ramps up. Shyamalan introduces and drops important characters at will, which has made some critics call the film disjointed. On the contrary, it keeps you on your toes. You never know where the plot’s going and, with a director at the helm who knows exactly how to shoot with a camera, that makes for compulsive viewing.

On a Texas farm in 1918 Pearl lives with her stern mother and comatose farther and dreams of becoming a dancer in the movies. But we know something is amiss when she skewers a goose and feeds it to a crocadile during the opening credits. It’s a beautifully-filmed little thriller cum drama cum musical cum horror film. Unlike most dim, dark, shadowy films of its ilk, it’s is shot in gorgeous colour that is a joy to watch. It lures you in then lets loose with scenes that will have you squirming but unable to look away (AVOID the trailer). More, please.

This companion piece to Pearl, with the same star and director, sees a group of six young people making an ‘adult’ movie in an old farmhouse. It’s a more straightforward horror film than the brilliant Pearl, lacking the latter’s narrative drive and sheer beauty, but it’s still a cut above your usual creepy horror film. It even has moments of humour and sadness between toe-curling scenes that will have you looking away. And many will find a surprise among the cast list during the end credits.