Film Reviews by Alphaville

Leigh Whannell has made some good films (Upgrade, The Invisible Man). This tedious affair of a family man turning into a werewolf in an old farmhouse in the woods isn’t one of them. After a promising opening it turns into an entirely predictable tale that takes place in dim light over the course of a single night. His wife and daughter act worried. For prosthetics fans only.

High school kid Taylor Lautner and his girlfriend are on the run from gun-wielding baddies. Pacy plot and plenty of action. Well filmed by John Singleton, who keeps cringing teen moments to a minimum. The climax in a baseball stadium is a tad old-hat, but at least Taylor gets to showcase some of the parkour moves he’d later use in Tracers.

Period adventure with goodie Kazakhs fighting baddie Dzungars. Unfortunately characters and plot hold little interest and the odd battle scenes are underpowered. Nice scenery.

Right from the opening round of facial close-ups set to a droning voiceover, you know this is a dud. The plot is stodgy, the acting over-wrought, the theatrical dialogue barely speakable, the orchestral score dull… Even the few good shots of majestic Swiss Alps have been shorn to shreds by over-editing. As for stern baddie Ben Kingsley and his golden eye patch, well that’s just silly. This should be a rip-roaring adventure, but even the old tv series had more zest.

After watching Ti West’s excellent Pearl, I thought I’d give this earlier work a shot. Mistake. It’s just another boring ‘haunted house’ scenario. Even near the beginning there’s a standard shock jump-cut just in case you’re already nodding off. Then it’s just talk, talk, talk.

Filmed mostly in big close-ups with a wobble-cam, presumably in the mistaken notion that it makes the viewer more involved, this is virtually unwatchable. Could they not afford a steadicam?

I hoped to be excited by the opening sea battle, but it was just another cgi sequence. I hoped to be excited by the next set piece in the arena, but the cgi baboons were just laughable. Our hero is little more than a cipher to carry the by-the-numbers plot. The only multi-dimensional character is his nemesis the Roman general, who has moral qualms about his role, but he‘s just a peripheral figure. Gladiator boss Denzel Washington has little to do but gurn. As for the caricatures that represent the two Roman emperors, the least said the better.

I don’t blame the cast. The plot is predictable, the dialogue is stilted to the point of laughable, the direction is static and the climax is simply embarrassing.

In its favour, there’s one dramatic fight in the arena and the sets are convincingly rendered, although there’s nothing here to match the more realistic entry of Elizabeth Taylor’s entry into Rome in Cleopatra. Oh for the halcyon days of Hollywood epics such as Ben Hur and El Cid, directed by the likes of William Wyler and Anthony Mann, with great scores by Miklos Rozsa. The score here is forgettable.

A two-star film with an extra one for trying in these days of dumbed-down superhero fare. And at least it’s sent me back to the more watchable Spartacus.

Can’t understand why this garnered such good reviews. Perhaps the Middle East subject matter seduced well-meaning but easily-led critics. Apart from Prisoners, director Denis Villeneuve makes really slow films (Bladerunner 2049, Dune Parts 1 & 2). This one’s agonisingly slow. There might be something of interest going on, but it’s so dismally filmed that it’s sleep-inducing. Static camera, no score (presumably to add documentary gravitas), close-ups of heads giving long meaningful (meaningless?) looks into space…

The windy scenes are fine, but the by-the-numbers plot and unconvincing romantic subplot merely fill down time. Even the windy set-pieces bore with repetition. The rock score is awful and even more annoying are the gung-ho gaggles of tornado chasers themselves. Yeah, baby! Whoo!

To be charitable, this is a bit of a mess. To be truthful, it’s a complete mess. Yes, it really is as bad as you’ve heard. All 2.15hrs of it. A waste of talent for all concerned, not just legendary director Coppola, but legendary actors such as Dustin Hoffman. Even young lead Adam Driver, for no reason whatsoever, is reduced at one stage to attempting Hamlet’s ‘To be or not to be’ speech. The idea being preached here is that modern-day New York is like ancient Rome heading for the Fall. The preachiness extends as far as a repetitive and irritating voiceover to ram it home.

What about the plot? You mean, there’s a plot? There have been many disastrous vanity projects in the history of the cinema. This is right up there among them. Oh, Francis, that it should come to this. Has he become so untouchable that no-one somewhere along the line could have had a quiet word in his ear?

From the blurb you’d think this was just another dumb horror film, but it’s much more than that. Sophie Thatcher and Chloe East are convincingly naïve as young Mormons trying to convert Hugh Grant, and Hugh gives an acting masterclass as the creepy sceptic. The plot is tense, the dialogue intelligent and the camerawork so mobile you’d never think it’s constrained by the interior sets. It’s constantly surprising and unusually astute as a critique of religion. Unfortunately the latter half of the film is swathed in darkness and the ending is simply ridiculous, but for over an hour it’s riveting and that’s more than you can say for most films these days.

The animation is exemplary, of course, but after the initial action sequence in the Peruvian jungle it’s blandly downhill from then on. Paddington’s lo-key adversary Antonio Banderas (miscast) could send you to sleep. Where’s Hugh Grant when you need him?

Yet another period Chinese fantasy with the usual cardboard characters, hammy acting, silly cgi and seen-it-all-before wirework. Only the OTT final set-to with hordes of skeletons is worth the watch.

Better known as The Twins Effect 2, this is a period Chinese extravaganza from 2004 starring the Twins (Charlene Choi and Gillian Chung). Nothing could match the first Twins Effect, but this is still an epic mind-boggling romp. It’s exotic, it’s colourful, it’s got great sets, scenery and wirework action. The Twins have great screen presence and in this one they get to rule the roost in a society in which the men are slaves. Sit back and let all the outlandish bravado wash over you.

As with most biopics, you have to be really interested in the subject as there’s not much else of interest going on here. More an anti-Trump diatribe than a feature film, it’s s negative as you would expect from a Hollywood movie. Competently told, well-acted, blandly directed.