Film Reviews by Alphaville

An American FBI expert is called in to help catch a serial killer in Taiwan. The macabre killings and Taoist connotations add little to a plodding police investigation that lacks excitement and thrills. An off-the-wall climax perks up interest, but by then it’s too late.

This must be the most ridiculous, ill-conceived and boring retelling of an Arthurian legend ever. Funereally paced, stylised and stilted, stagey and solemn, static and pompous, devoid of action and even sense, filmed mostly in darkness with half-lit faces peering at the camera or into the distance… This is the worst kind of arthouse anti-film, with all the life sucked out of it. What a waste.

Fast-moving, hard-boiled Hong Kong thriller about cops taking down a drug ring. Nothing new in the concept, but plot, characters, score and Johnnie To’s lively direction lift it way above ordinary. It sags a bit in the middle but soon builds again to a lengthy, high-octane, beautifully shot, climactic shootout that ranks as one of the best in the genre.

Another surreal period actioner on an epic scale from visionary director Tsui Hark. Described as a ‘mad’ genius’ by the crew, he treats us to some eye-popping stunts and set-pieces. From the huge canvas of the opening maritime scene onwards, it’s filmed with everything on screen in crystal-clear focus, like Citizen Kane, making it an overwhelming visual experience. Some of the set-pieces, such as the battle in the Black Sandstorm, are a breathtaking spectacle. The plot, about revolting eunuchs and a concubine on the run, is just a hook. The substance of the film is visual. This is what cinema was made for.

So why not five stars? A talky section in the middle, when various factions plot against each other, merely passes time. This is also the first Chinese film to be made in 3D. In the 2D DVD version, swords flying at the camera lose their impact. Still, fans of Tsui Hark’s brilliant Detective Dee movies will not be disappointed.

Maybe I was watching a different film to most reviewers. Kenneth Branagh has made some good films, but this vanity project about his own 9yo self amidst the Northern Ireland ‘Troubles’ of 1969 is a self-indulgent bore. The politics and shouty religiosity are a pain. The back streets of Belfast are as dreary a backdrop as you might expect. The child actors unfortunately lack subtlety. As for the score, if you don’t like a warbling Van Morrison you’ll have to turn the sound off. Good points? Nice monochrome lighting.

There’s a human story here if you can be bothered, but you can predict its substance even without seeing the film. All told, it’s the kind of earnest social-realist drama they used to show on TV in the 60s. This is not to minimise the plight of families at that time and place but (unlike most reviewers) to treat it as a FILM. Maybe something interesting happens near the end, but this reviewer had given up by then.

A silly, instantly forgettable Indiana Jones-type time-passer that has conmen Tom Holland and Mark Wahlberg searching for lost treasure. If you can handle their painful improvised wise-cracking you’ll catch a few good action set-pieces along the way but little else. It’s the kind of film that ends with an awful pop song over the end-credits and a teaser for a possible sequel, but there are certainly even more infantile adventure films around.

The trailer guys had a brilliant idea. Given that there’s nothing in the film itself to grab the viewer, let’s fast-edit clips to a soundtrack of Bowie’s ‘Life on Mars’ to at least make it sound interesting. Now imagine that trailer drawn out to 128mins without a Bowie score and you have just another long tedious coming-of-age teenage romance set in the 1970s.

The choice of soundtrack songs is dreadful. Well done if you can even get past the cheesy opening meeting set to a vomit-inducing ditty. It’s the kind of film that might eventually find a slot as slow afternoon fare on some obscure TV channel. A ‘timeless story’ trumpets the DVD blurb. Ironically… if for some unfathomable reason you decide to stick with it… you’ll be checking the clock to see how much longer you have to endure it.

Simplistic sword and martial arts saga with the usual flashing swords and somersaulting through the air, far too unsophisticated for Western tastes. The climactic set-to between Hero and Invincible atop the Statue of Liberty is little more than a cartoon.

If you miss Eric Rohmer and/or are a fan of Woody Allen’s Manhattan, you’re in for a treat. Director Jacques Audiard name-checks both on a Q/A on the DVD. Based on a comic book, the simple plot revolves around the lives and sexual relationships of four intelligent and likeable characters who live on the edge of Paris. In British hands this would have been a downbeat wallow in social realism. In Audiard’s hands it’s an elegiac celebration of life and love filmed in sparkling monochrome, sexually explicit but never prurient ? a welcome and deliberate antidote to what Audiard sees as today’s prudish age. Good to know the spirit of Rohmer is still alive and kicking across the Channel.

If you’ve never seen one of Tsui Hark’s Detective Dee or Young Detective Dee period extravaganzas, why not start with the first, even if Rise of the Sea Dragon is perhaps even better. This is cinematic grandeur to the nth degree. An epic sense of scale, a riot of colour and luxurious set design, startling images, a racing plot, a dramatic score, spectacular wirework action set-pieces… all captured by arresting camerawork.

The plot? It begins with the building of a 66-yards-high Buddha, inside which a man bursts into flames from the inside out. A talking deer recommends Detective Dee look into it and he’s soon on the case with two uppity sidekicks. The result? An unmissable feast for the eyes.

Money-laundering, a kidnap, an assassin – plenty of ingredients for a good cop movie, but a confusing plot and risible sentimental moments alienate the viewer. Fans of director Benny Chan will be treated to a couple of his trademark action set-pieces, but not enough to maintain interest. An early Chan movie from 2005, but still very disappointing.

In this Benny Chan sci-fi actioner mad mutant villains with superpowers are running riot in Hong Kong and it’s upto our heroes to whup them. If you can get past some hammy acting, especially by a comic lead character, there’s plenty here to keep you glued to the screen. Even the characters are more interesting than might be expected, with a high-kicking loved-up cop duo and a chief villain who hates what he’s becoming even as his powers grow. The set-pieces, using wirework stunts rather than boing Marvel-type cgi, are real and spectacular, while the mutants’ evolving power foreshadows an apocalyptic climax.

Better-then-average Hong Kong action film set among warring factions in old-time China. Unlike many Hong Kong films of similar ilk, the plot is intriguing, the characters are well-developed and the leading actors aren’t hammy. Unusually, the two main characters are introduced as baddies. Both Andy Lau as a general who becomes a Buddhist monk and his even badder side-kick Nicholas Tse are excellent, although how the flamboyant Nick can fight with floppy hair covering one eye is a mystery.

As for the action, director Benny Chan is a dab-hand at thrilling set-pieces, which here include an exciting cliff-top horse-and-carriage chase. The film sags a bit in the middle as Andy joins the Shaolin monks, but soon ramps up again to an extended action climax.

Honk Kong actioner in which a woman is kidnaped but manages to phone a stranger for help. All the ingredients are here, but with hammy acting and hammy stunts it’s not one of director Benny Chan’s best. There’s the odd good bit of action, but our heroine spends the whole film in hysterics, our hero’s a comic nerd and the baddies are all cardboard.

Guillermo del Toro’s 144-minute remake of a 1947 film, still set in the 1940s, is a film of two barely-connected halves. In the first half Bradley Cooper joins a rural carnival and learns how to pretend to read minds. While not exactly boring, it’s deliberately paced, sedately shot, has no score to add drama and lacks any plot thrust. Several well-known actors have bit parts before they’re unceremoniously dropped in Part 2. The whole 1hr+ of screen time could be cut to 5 minutes. Okay, maybe 10.

In the second half, with assistant Rooney Mara, Brad plies his trade in New York society, where he’s confronted by psychologist Cate Blanchett. This section gains some tension as he cons increasingly important people. There’s even a brief window of excitement, but it takes oh-so-long to get there.