Film Reviews by Alphaville

Welcome to Alphaville's film reviews page. Alphaville has written 825 reviews and rated 783 films.

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Edge of the World

Unrelentingly dull

(Edit) 06/07/2021

You know those historical documentaries with dramatised reconstructions that never seem real? This whole film is like a series of those reconstructions… plus a laughably sonorous voiceover to fill in the gaps. Little plot, cardboard characters, risible dialogue, phone-in acting, bland direction.

It’s billed as ‘a swashbuckling adventure’. If only. There’s a woke message here as real-life Victorian adventurer Sir James Brook boats through the Borneo jungle fighting slavery, but few will care. Apparently his story inspired Apocalypse Now. If only art-house director Michael Haussman had binge-watched Apocalypse Now to find inspiration for this turgid art-house drama.

1 out of 2 members found this review helpful.

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Mommy

Dreadful, just dreadful

(Edit) 07/07/2021

A mother struggles to cope with her son. The result? Slice-of-life art-house dross, filmed in a (almost) square ratio to accommodate an over-emphasis on still close-ups of faces. Where’s the exit door? Critics who rated this film highly are like the courtiers who praised the naked emperor’s new clothes. Any film that opens with a long still shot of washing on a line deserves every brickbat thrown at it. But then this isn’t a film, it’s more a soul-destroying student project. As a warning to anyone who picks up a camera, it should be allowed to decompose quietly in a pretentious and obscure art gallery. Stay well clear.

0 out of 1 members found this review helpful.

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Chaos Walking

Laughable mess

(Edit) 01/07/2021

In a future settlement on a distant planet all the women have been killed off by the local species (The Spackle), leaving the men to die out. But hang on a minute, there’s another settlement with women just through the woods! Don’t laugh. Also, the men (but not the women) can hear each other’s thoughts and see them as wavy lines called The Noise. Don’t laugh. Then Daisy Ridley arrives by spaceship and finds a motorbike that enables her to be chased by men on horseback. Okay, you can laugh at that one. She and another Young Adult (Tom Holland) must now go on a journey through the woods to Farbranch so that they can bicker and get to know each other. Don’t yawn.

All this is based on a children’s novel that one hopes worked better on the page because the film is a complete mess. More interesting is a very revealing Making Of on the DVD Extras. Doug Liman, normally a reliable director, had no working script, had no idea how to tackle the subject matter and seemed to make everything up as he went along. It shows.

8 out of 10 members found this review helpful.

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Cycling with Moliere

Charming Gallic treat with a bite

(Edit) 26/06/2021

A film based around Moliere’s ‘Le Misanthrope’ may appeal only to a niche audience outside France, but anyone who regards that work as one of the greatest plays ever written (including this reviewer) will find it a treat. Others will still be seduced by its gentle humour and Gallic charm, with director Philippe de Guey channelling the spirit of Eric Rohmer.

A famous actor visits a retired actor on the beautifully photographed Ile de Ré to persuade him to play Moliere’s title character Alceste. (The French title of the film translates as ‘Alceste on a Bicycle’). The two rehearse, lock horns, get involved with a woman and cycle. And the run-time flies by. At a deeper level, Alceste’s tirades against virtue signalling remain as relevant today as ever.

0 out of 1 members found this review helpful.

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Godzilla vs. Kong

Cartoonish yawn-fest

(Edit) 25/06/2021

Maybe I was watching a different film from those who find merit in this blustering bore, played out with clichéd humans and cartoon monsters to orchestral superhero muzak. Admire the cgi… then doze. The humans do little but watch with mouths agape. Teenager Millie Bobby Brown is especially stuck in this mode, and even Rebecca Hall, here phoning in her performance, can find little else for her character to do. Occasionally someone even shouts “Go, go, go!” (always a bad sign). The dialogue is so pointless you could easily switch the sound off and miss nothing. But admire that cgi.

Of course, the film stands or falls on its monster battles, which are all in-yer-face cartoon pyrotechnics aimed at gamers, full of explosions and whizz-bangs. But admire that cgi.

Basically this is a kids’ version of a Godzilla film so perhaps it should not be judged too harshly as adult entertainment. If there is one thing to be said in its favour, it does make you long for an old Japanese Godzilla film with a man in a monster suit.

3 out of 5 members found this review helpful.

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Battle of Jangsari

Well-meaning buy hackneyed

(Edit) 16/06/2021

Flag-waving South Korean movie about an heroic battle against the communists during the Korean War. One hates to be churlish when it’s based on true events, but this is like a throwback to a 1950s film about a bunch of stereotypical untried squaddies becoming heroes. The fighting is filmed in shaky-cam and, to further alienate the audience, the acting is too hammy to relate to. Judged purely as a film, it’s a poor memorial to the real combatants.

0 out of 1 members found this review helpful.

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The Little Things

Tired and disappointing

(Edit) 01/06/2021

Cop Denzel Washington is on the trail of a serial killer in LA. It’s got to be good, right? Wrong. Everything about this film is dull – the script, the direction, the soundtrack, even Denzel’s performance. His partner Remi Malek’s mannered performance doesn’t help, while even chief suspect Jared Leto succumbs to the general malaise. When the three of them exchange meaningful looks it’s more laughable than tense. Perhaps all concerned should have had a good sleep and started all over again.

2 out of 5 members found this review helpful.

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Persian Lessons

Tense thriller

(Edit) 01/06/2021

Tense thriller about a young Jewish man who, to avoid execution by the Nazis, pretends to be Persian in order to teach the camp commandant the language. The problem is: he knows no Persian. Inspired by a true story, it’s an intriguing concept. Many concentration camp films are well-intentioned but clichéd. This is something different that grabs from Scene 1. No set-up scenes, back stories or screeds of stagey dialogue. This is fast-paced and exciting.

Unlike in many films set during WW2, the Nazis here are real people with problems of their own. The commandant himself, cruel but complex, is a wonderful creation that ranks alongside Ralph Fiennes’ SS Officer in Schindler’s List.

Our hero has to invent the language as he goes along. To begin with, the commandant wants only four words a day, but that soon adds up to become a lot to remember. It makes you wonder if you could do it yourself. Then one day the commandant asks for 400 words…

1 out of 2 members found this review helpful.

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Jackpot

Quirky but dull

(Edit) 26/05/2021

Would-be humorous thriller about a shooting involving four idiots who fall out over a pools win. It tries so hard to be quirky and unrealistic that it destroys any interest in the plot or the characters, so ironically it ends up just being dull. With TV aesthetics and a plot that darts back and forth in time to explain the shooting in retrospect, it’s hard to care about any of the goings-on. The ad campaign makes a lot of it being based on a Jo Nesbo thriller, as was the excellent film Headhunters, but this is a dud.

0 out of 1 members found this review helpful.

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Jack Strong

old-fashioned cold war drama

(Edit) 20/05/2021

This is a true story about a Polish colonel spying for the CIA during the Soviet era. Billed as a ‘gripping thriller’ (aren’t they all?), it’s more of an old-fashioned, stagey, actorly drama. It’s a story worth telling but over 2hrs the film rarely produces any dramatic highs.

NB Ignore the crass ‘review’ by the lowbrow who has no time for foreign-language cinema. If you're dumb enough to restrict your viewing to English-language or dubbed films, you're missing out on most of the best films ever made.

1 out of 2 members found this review helpful.

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Tell Me Something

Lethargic thriller

(Edit) 16/05/2021

Korean thriller about the search for a serial killer who surgically cuts up and mixes the bodies. With an exciting concept, intriguing plot developments and a strong climax it’s worthy of a Hollywood remake, but this lacklustre version is just disappointing. It’s let down by a slow pace, lack of action, impassive male and female leads and some poor directorial choices.

0 out of 2 members found this review helpful.

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Joint Security Area

Soporific drama

(Edit) 13/05/2021

Although billed as a thriller, this is a slow-paced drama about an investigation into a border incident between North and South Korea. It’s theme is the futility of war, but the main impression you’ll be left with is the futility of making such a soporific drama. Filmed with a mostly static camera, and with no score to highlight any of the stagey scenes, it’s hard to maintain interest.

0 out of 1 members found this review helpful.

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Blood Wedding

Brilliant dance film

(Edit) 13/05/2021

If you think flamenco is all about stamping around with castanets, this film will be a revelation. If you find films about dance boring, this film will be a revelation. If you’ve never seen or heard of Antonio Gades, this film will be revelation. It’s a kind of acted/danced documentary in which rehearsals for the Blood Wedding of the title become so intense that we forget they’re rehearsals and become involved in the action itself. Perhaps the closest film to it in spirit is West Side Story.

Ditch the castanets for starters. This is flamenco ballet like you’ve never seen it. Gades is a such a mesmerising presence that you can’t take your eyes off him. The climactic knife fight is brilliantly executed in slow motion, beautifully shot in real-time by Carlos Saura’s prowling camera.

At a brief 80mins, it’s worth giving it a shot. It was such a success at the 1981 Edinburgh Film Festival that Gades brought his company to Edinburgh the following year for an equally stunning live performance, and a year later he and Saura reunited for a film version of Carmen.

1 out of 1 members found this review helpful.

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Skylines

Tedious space shoot-em-up

(Edit) 08/05/2021

After 2010’s terrific Skyline, the sequel Beyond Skyline, by a different director, was a disappointment. This third film in the series, again directed by Beyond Skyline’s Liam O’Donnell, hits rock bottom. The SFX are good enough but soon pall with nothing of interest happening on screen.

The usual motley crew of stereotypes that populate this type of film are sent to an alien planet to fight aliens. It plods along leaving no cliché unturned with on-the-nose dialogue that even Dr Who writers would have rejected: ‘Let’s go!’, ‘Watch our back!’. If the long, drawn-out scenes were re-edited to reduce the overlong 2hr run time, at least some pace might have been injected into it. The fight scenes, on the other hand, are ruined by rapid-fire editing. And why does this planet never have any sunlight to brighten the dour look of the whole affair? There’s so little drama, tension or excitement that it’s difficult to keep your finger off the FF button. And if you want to be put off even more, watch lost-in-Hollywood starlet Lindsey Morgan telling us on the DVD Xtras how wonderful everyone is.

0 out of 0 members found this review helpful.

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Tenet

Impenetrable but mesmerising

(Edit) 05/05/2021

A big-scale Christopher Nolan movie is an event and Tenet is no exception. It has a great concept, features spectacular set-pieces and is beautifully directed. The plot zips around the world with John David Washington and Robert Pattinson playing James Bond-type agents attempting to prevent the end of the world. No expense or location is spared. Where to hold a meeting? On a racing catamaran of course. How to get to the top of a skyscraper? Bungee jump from the adjacent one of course.

What makes it different is that their adversaries are ‘inverted’ villains moving backwards through time. Yep, you read it right. And therein lies the film’s major problem. It’s almost impossible to make sense of. The characters become mere tokens to propel the plot. Chief villain Kenneth Branagh seems almost a sideshow and his abused wife Elizabeth Dembecki (the film’s only engaging character) gets stuck in a pointless subplot about her son.

The converging and competing timelines, and the explanations we’re given of them, become increasingly confusing, as do the characters themselves when they’re forced to wear oxygen masks in an alternate timeline. So not only do we not understand what’s going on, we’re sometimes not even sure whom we’re looking at. Consequently the spectacular OTT climax (will the world survive or not?) is as likely to provoke as much bemused humour as dramatic tension.

In short, it’s a confusing, flawed and irritating film that teems with imagination, chutzpah and sheer cinematic mastery. A nonsensical 4-star film? Even that’s nonsensical in itself. Watch and wonder. And give suave agent Robert Pattinson a film of his own.

0 out of 1 members found this review helpful.
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