Film Reviews by Alphaville

This impeccably realised film follows a bunch of cops as they investigate the murder of a teenage girl in a French alpine town. With masterful storytelling, interesting characters and an enigmatic soundtrack, it’s engrossing from Frame 1. Every scene moves the plot forward with no slack. As the investigation becomes increasingly fraught, along with the investigating cops, it becomes ever more involving and moving. A masterclass in its genre.

Horrible title for horrible film that unaccountably has some five-star-reviews on the DVD cover. Those critics should have their licences revoked. It’s a dire tale of three obnoxious, shouty, sweary, teenage girls smoking, boozing and clubbing their way through a beach holiday in Greece. The amateur, naturalistic filming makes it seem even worse. I tried to watch it, but after 15mins couldn’t stand their company any longer. The DVD describes the film as ‘vibrant’. ‘Sad’ would be nearer the mark.

After Les Valseuses, director Betrand Blier reunites with stars Gerard Depardieu and Patrick Dewaere for another refreshing blast against snowflake cinema. Still a riot decades after winning the Oscar for best foreign film in 1979. Gerard’s run out of ideas as to how to rouse his wife (Carole Laure) from her soporific demeanour. She spends all her time knitting topless. Perhaps sex with a different guy would help, so he ropes in a stranger in a restaurant (Patrick). If that still doesn’t work, perhaps a 13yo boy could provide the right impetus. Strap yourself in for an uproarious comedy that will have wokists tearing their hair out.

Here we go again. Yet another doggedly-filmed, dialogue-heavy, actorly product of the British film industry. It’s based on a true story and means well, so no wonder it was beloved of the arthouse circuit, which helps proliferate this kind of non-cinematic bore. Among real film lovers it sank without trace. As usual, better suited to the stage or TV.

A stylish, moody, downbeat, slow-paced film that’s interesting at first but eventually begins to drag along with its whining score. The characters’ actions make no sense and the director needs to ditch the overlong speechless close-ups for a tad more upbeat excitement to maintain interest.

This is John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing’ set in a glacial monitoring station in the Austrian Alps. To begin with it’s too low-key, with stock characters, slow pacing and a score that needs more zip. On the plus side, the mountain scenery is a feast for the eye and after half an hour the action picks up. Not one Thing, but multiple hybrid mutant Things. Ever seen a fox-beetle? It gets sillier and consequently more enjoyable as it progresses. Just don’t get bitten!

Exotic sci-fi adventure set in Thailand in which humans battle androids. The androids have a robo-child with special powers whom the humans have to eliminate. Our human hero is caught between the two sides. It starts interestingly but soon gets bogged down in scattergun action scenes and flashbacks with little happening plot-wise during the two-hour run-time. The hero’s motivation and his relationship with the child never convince, while the rest of the cast are one-dimensional cyphers. The repetitive action soon palls and the film begins to drag. Eventually you’re left just to admire yet more cgi flash-bangs until the silly ending.

Blood-spattered shoot-em-up with nothing to recommend it. One-note plot, terrible dialogue, zero characterisation, in-your-face amateurish direction, slapdash editing, washed-out colour. The cast never stood a chance.

It’s not the best Predator movie, but nor is it the worst. This time it’s an 18th-century Comanche girl with an axe who has to fight one of them. She has to prove her hunting skills to the woke-less tribes-boys, you see. There’s loads of tribal banter to fill time and much of it takes place in the dark to avoid us seeing too much. The climactic fight itself is ruined by dim lighting. The same-old Predator effects are getting pretty tiresome by now and you know our heroine will have enough superpower to defeat him, even after he despatches all the menfolk fodder, so there’s little tension in the plot. Still, it all passes by amiably enough and there’s some nice North American scenery to look at.

Okay, so some of the acting and direction is flat, but this remains a fascinating watch thanks to the fiendish plot and stylish sets. Constantly keeps you on your toes with puzzle after puzzle and revelation on revelation. Don’t expect a special effects extravaganza, but this is a proper grown-up sci-fi film that absorbs from start to finish. Certainly more interesting than your average sci-fi film, so four stars.

Dreadful cheapskate TV spin-off set between series 5 and 6 of the 24 franchise. Threadbare plot so badly directed that it’s impossible to watch. Mainly close-ups of talking heads.

The messy 20min opening set-piece sets the tone – a cgi bore featuring lots of running around with biffing and bashing to a grating score that follows every beat of the action like a cartoon. Even a de-aged Harrison Ford looks unreal. It then calms down for a bit to explain the plot before the running and chasing starts again. One of the chase sequences even takes place amidst crowds at a New York parade. Wow, we’ve never seen anything like that before. A live-action cartoon probably best describes the whole film. The main interest comes in worrying about the ageing Harrison and trying to spot his body double. After two hours there’s at last an interesting if brief shift of tone (the screenplay has multiple writers), but it can’t save this huge disappointment. It’s a shame that what was once a promising franchise ends like this.

One of the attractions of the Equalizer franchise, besides Denzel’s charismatic lead, is its emphasis on beautiful settings and appealing characters. Here the setting is the picturebook town of Abrani, set in a canyon on Italy’s Amalfi coast (standing in for Sicily in the plot), beautifully filmed by Antoine Fuqua’s fluid camerawork. The mafia-harassed locals in need of Denzel’s skills are equally well-drawn. Even when there’s little going on in the plot, it’s good to spend time with them while we follow Denzel wandering around town getting to know them. You’ll want to visit. It’s almost a travelogue. As for the mafia baddies… they’re suitably nasty and really need to be equalized by our hero. Disappointments? Government sidekick Dakota Fanning has little to work with and the climax is a damp squib. Despite that, the journey there is beautifully realised and a joy to watch. Keep ‘em coming, Antoine.

Most zombie films are bargain-basement drivel. This one’s different. Melanie is a kind, intelligent half-zombie child who loves her human teacher and guards. When the compound in which she is being schooled is overrun by the ‘thirsties’ they must go on the run. Can they survive? Can Melanie abstain from her cannibalistic needs? It’s an intriguing and intelligent premise. The plot may begin to fall apart at the end, but you’ll be rivetted throughout.

Dirty, smelly, impoverished Gaugin leaves his pigsty of a Paris flat, dumps his wife and 5 children and goes to Tahiti for 2 years. There he marries a local woman but remains dirty, smelly and impoverished. Sometimes he paints a bit, but we see little of what he’s painting. After 2 years he dumps his Tahitian wife and returns to Paris. The end. Only over the end-titles do we discover that he returned to Tahiti later and painted the art for which he became famous. That’s what they should have filmed. The two years we’re shown are repetitive and boring. Vincent Cassel does his best with the part. but it’s a character you’d cross the road to avoid, there’s no plot, no artwork, a downbeat score and it ends where it began with nothing having changed. What a waste.