Film Reviews by Alphaville

An utterly predictable chamber piece, totally bereft of ideas or interesting dialogue, about two sets of squabbling parents. So instantly forgettable I attempted to watch it for a second time because I forgot I'd attempted to sit through it a year before. It's based on a stage play and, boy, does it show. Fans of ACTORS may find something here to detain them, but a MOVIE it ain't. No stars.

An impeccably filmed, sumptuously designed shaggy-ghost story that unfortunately amounts to much ado about nothing. The occasional ghosts are irrelevant, while scenes of our heroine wandering anxiously around a spooky mansion soon pall. However, this is a del Toro film, so all hell finally brakes loose in an overwrought ending that plays out like a Gothic gunfight. Worth waiting for? The jury's out.

This 4-hour German TV production was cut down to 2.5 hours for cinematic release but is still achingly long. It plays like basic early Saturday evening TV fare, with stultifying direction and an irritatingly overbearing score. Stolidly paced and with little narrative thrust, it has taken over 20 years to come to the screen and was probably better left in book form. Lovers of the Isle of Skye will at least be amused to find our 11th century hero travelling around the Trotternish peninsula and coming across Dover!

A short, snappy film, hard to categorise and full of tangential delights. The French title, poorly served by its English translation, roughly means The Uncultivated Head. This refers to the uneducated Gerard Depardieu, who meets an old lady who teaches him about words and literature. Sounds like a yawn but it's anything but. Director Jean Becker populates the picture with a host of entertaining characters and Depardieu's struggle with both dictionaries and life is totally engrossing. As warm-hearted a film as only the French seem able to make, you'll be rooting for happy endings for everyone.

Available at last, this cult classic comedy from 1970. The talented Elaine May writes, directs and stars as the hapless millionairess courted for her wealth by hopeless down-on-his-luck millionaire Walter Matthau. A sweet, funny, perfectly-cast treat that wears its age as a badge of honour. Puts to shame modern gross-out humour. Stand-out scene: Matthau's bumbling attempts to help May sort her nightgown's head-hole from her arm-hole. Silly, funny, warm and memorable.

This is Mission Impossible by numbers. Where are de Palma or Abrams when you need them behind the camera? Clichéd fight in theatre. Tick. Motor bike chase. Tick (and yes, some market stalls are overturned). Underwhelming set-pieces, an even more underwhelming villain, intricate plotting rendered banal by barrel-loads of boring exposition, risible dialogue, baddies who can't shoot straight as soon as the Cruise-man is in their sights. Pity especially poor Alec Baldwin, who has to call Tom Cruise 'the living embodiment of destiny'. Yes, really. All to a generic muzak snatched from the juvenile Marvel franchise. MI 1 & 3 are great, 2 & 4 not so much. Let's hope 5's a good 'un.

Praised as 'compelling' with 'superb performances', you know what to expect. A funereally paced plodder that's a tough watch unless you like watching medium-shot stills of talking heads. The film's subject is done scant justice and if you hope to wallow in Left Bank existentialism you'll be doubly disappointed. A simple narrative stretched beyond patience with all the cinematic life squeezed out of it.

Grossly overrated Oscar winner that's something of a plodder unless you're in a forgiving mood. However, if you get tired of all the chat, fast-forward an hour in for a jaw-dropping shot that almost redeems the whole thing. Out of the blue comes a 5minute, gravity-defying masterpiece of camerawork that begins as an aerial shot and evolves into a hand-held chase through the back alleys of a football stadium. Pure, mind-boggling cinema, only replicated with cgi in the Hollywood remake, that unfortunately shows up the rest of the film for the slow-burning talkie it is.

Poorly acted, poorly directed, amateurish, shaky-cam nonsense. Waving the camera around silly fight scenes merely enhances their lack of believability (as Greengrass continues to prove). Those who rated this film 'dazzling' and 'amazing' must have owed the producer a favour.

An awful film about clichéd gung-ho GIs in the Middle East. You know the sort. They party with hookers, pour beer over their heads and shout Whoo Whoo when they kill someone. And these are our heroes we're supposed to care about? You'll soon be on fast forward. The whole film leaves a sour taste in the mouth. One star for an occasional passing CGI monster, but the only real monsters here are the protagonists.