Film Reviews by Alphaville

Light, easy watch about an 11yo girl dealing with the onset of puberty in 1970s New Jersey. Based on the book by Judy Bloom and, as the author says, if you love the book (or the trailer) you’ll love the film… despite the naff 70s score. More real, more embarrassing and more fun than most of its ilk, its main downside is its unnecessary American obsession with having a religion, as hinted at by the title. *** (***** if you’re an 11yo girl)

A typical funereally slow Jane Campion film, jump-cutting from one boring static shot to another, presumably hoping to build a kaleidoscope of snapshots into an atmosphere. Atmosphere is everything, because there’s little else going on here. The plot is minimal and the morose score adds to the somnambulant feel of the whole thing. Even the actors seem half-asleep. It goes nowhere and by the end, if you last that long, you’ll wonder why you’ve spent two hours watching it.

Epic retelling of the Dumas tale, like they don’t make ‘em any more. Full of huge sets, colourful locations and exciting derring-do. The epic sword-fights, often involving multiple combatants, are beautifully choreographed and masterfully shot in single takes with a roving camera that puts you in the heart of the action. Plot and characterisation take a while to settle down – sometimes it seems there’s too much going on – but you’ll be increasingly drawn to the drama, with time even for some unexpectedly intimate moments later on. It’s no spoiler to say that it ends on a cliffhanger… and watch for a further surprise during the end-credits… Bring on Parte Deux.

The usual boring story between warring factions in ancient China is, as always in this kind of film, just an excuse for the wirework action as a flying Donnie Yen single-handedly takes on hordes of baddies. There are three big choreographed set-pieces which may bring a smile to your face, but you’ll want to zap the bits in-between. Instantly forgettable and not one of Donnie best.

A beautiful, absorbing, warm-hearted Marcel Pagnol tale in the tradition of Jean de Florette, starring and directed by Daniel Auteuil, one of the stars of that film. An enchanting story, beautifully played and observed, set in the sparkling Provence countryside at the start of World War 2. The daughter of the title falls for a handsome but arrogant man, Jane Austen style. From there it will draw you in and keep you invested as only French cinema seems able to do. There are a few jumps in plot and characterisation, but the whole gels in a way that makes you feel you’ve just spent a refreshing outdoors holiday in another time and place.

NB Avoid the tell-all trailer and, even worse, the first spoiler review above.

Part 2 of kids become superheroes by shouting the word ‘shazam’, but without the original’s USP. If you sat through Part 1, you’ll probably be able to sit through the equally undemanding Part 2. It’s kiddie superhero nonsense with as much cgi as you’d expect and the usual bland banter, rousing orchestral score etc. Nothing new here except for Helen Mirren slumming it as a baddie. Move on.

Two Japanese teenagers deal with their families and life following a natural disaster. Fans of director Sion Sono will be sorely disappointed with this 2011 offering, which is nothing but an overlong downbeat drama, devoid of his usual quirky plotting and creative visual flourishes. Even the trailer can’t drum up any interest with lines such as: He just wanted an ordinary life. Yeah, that I need to see!

Following a murder, three academic probability experts and a special forces hard man team up for revenge. What’s new? The hard man and the gang who committed the murder play it as a straight action thriller, while the academics think they’re in a comedy. The conceit works brilliantly. Quirky characters, quirky plot and a film that’s both thrilling and funny, dark and moving at the same time. The director underplays each scene, giving every beat, comic or otherwise, equal prominence. The effect is to build the tension, disorienting the viewer so that you never know when it's going to explode into action. It works brilliantly. Surely worth a Hollywood remake for those who can’t read subtitles.

It’s an interesting idea. 8yo Vicki has such a highly-developed sense of smell that she can recreate any smell and bottle it in a jar. But where to go with this premise? The smell of her aunt takes her back in time to her aunt’s younger self, and it seems it will become time-bendingly interesting when her aunt’s younger self senses her presence. But the plot makes nothing of this and goes nowhere… and there’s nothing at stake but a family mystery. The novelty and some nice Alpine scenery make it watchable, but it could have been so much more. Even the enticing film title only refers to the sports centre where Vicki’s mum works.

Those silly blue cgi people are back, with their flying around the forest on big birds and singing in the toilet (sorry, la’vi). Now they’re underwater as well! Those nasty humans are back too, with their nasty robots and their nasty clanking machines disturbing the peace and – worst of all – their nasty attitude. Tom and Jerry had more depth.

Why can’t they just drop a big bomb on the whole planet? Surely this is one place in the universe that would be improved by species extinction.

As if the first film wasn’t bad enough, this one doubles the pain by lasting for a posterior-numbing, brain-numbing three hours. If you sit through this you really need to get out more.

The anti-war aim of the film is laudable, the epic scale undeniable, the direction faultless, but… Churlish to say, we’ve seen it all before. Raw recruits go to the trenches in WW1 and we follow them from training into battle. Despite the endless carnage, there’s little dramatic interest when everything is so repetitive and predictable. Ironically, the most dramatic scenes cover the off-battle politicking to end the war. It’s a classic story and a remake of a classic film, but is perhaps better viewed as an educational documentary than an engrossing feature film.

Bargain basement Japanese gore, OTT lurid and amateurish. Never has so much paint be spilt in the service of simulating blood.

A dad and his annoying daughter fight to survive in a world overrun by monstrous plants. Why are screen daughters so annoying? Papa! Papa! Will no plant rid us of her? Also ruining the film is a by-the-numbers plot and screeds of inane dialogue and hammy acting between bouts of action. It’s a shame because, even with a measly run time of 89mins, the scale is epic and the special effects, even when hilarious, are spectacular and deserve a better film. Worth a look if you’re partial to a cgi extravaganza to pass the time.

An English-speaking alien looking very much like Adam Driver crash-lands on earth 65 million years ago. This is his survival story as he contends with asteroids, dinosaurs and the obligatory 9yo girl (not as bad as usual). It doesn’t sound promising. There’s nothing here we haven’t seen before. Yet written and directed by the two guys who wrote ‘A Quiet Place’, this is a good-looking, well-made, grown-up and intelligent antidote to kiddie superhero franchises.

As in ‘A Quiet Place’, good use is made of sound design and the action doesn’t disappoint. At a mere 82mins before the end-credits roll, they should have re-instated some of the deleted scenes shown on the DVD Extras, but what remains is admirably taut. In a film world beset by childish superheroes, it should be applauded.

Light-hearted caper pits a cast of expendable characters against a cocaine-fuelled bear. It takes a while to get going then the severed limbs start flying to pop songs such as Depeche Mode’s ‘Just can’t get enough’. The main problem is that the comic characters hold no interest and there are too many scenes of them without the bear. Plus it was a mistake to hold the climax in gloomy darkness. Still, it’s an irresistible idea, based on true events, and is a hoot in parts.