Film Reviews by PV

Without any Sex Pistols and Malcolm McClaren, Vivienne Westwood would be totally unkniwn. She basically just designs clothes and I have always hated that silly catwalk world where stern posing models where ridiculous clothes no-one will ever wear. No-one normal, that is.

Just boring. And annoying the doc gives no dates - birth, meeting McClaren, sons born etc. You need FACTS for something like this.

I watched half of this then turned off as it became all about this diva's latest collections and the Austrian poseur user she hooked up with.

And sometimes this woman is SO rude, demanding and ill-mannered it seems like she went to the Serena Williams finishing school. A horrible woman.

2 stars.

I only watched the first half hour of this movie - I couldn't stand any more.

Basically it's the story of a film critic supposedly famous in the USA esp in the 60s, 70s and 80s but unknown in the UK. Now he is ill and uses a voice speaker - though it doesn't specify his illness in the first half an hour.

Most interesting was his recollection of alcoholism and quitting one afternoon in 1979.

The rest bored me rigid.

I enjoyed this film though it's no more than a B-movie.

Hated the sentimental family plot stuff.

But the shark was lovely!

This is more of the same but gets very VERY silly indeed.

If you know Sharknado what to expect, but this really 'jumps the shark' in the end.

This is a so-so film - a B-movie though, so don't expect too much.

Hokum plot but OK to stick with it all for the ride.

This is a tough watch sometimes - very violent.

BUT very authentic characters incl black characters - the language is spot on.

Not sure if the ending would have happened.

But prisons are full of abuses, bullying, drugs as we all know.

A great film.

Well the budget is low and the shark is a ghost and able to go anywhere wet.

And then lots of people die until the end.

The end.

Sigh... 2 stars for at least some effort at plot and character.

Well if you watch this you know what to expect - loads of CGI sharks, comedy killings, spoof scenes, OTT hammy dialogue. Maybe a perfect movie to watch on a Friday night in a packed cinema where audience members usually cannot shut up talking - and it won't matter with dross like this, and maybe well enhance it!

Not horror but attempted comedy, which is so OTT and predictable - the joke is wearing very thin now. Though Act 3 and the ending was shockingly awfully dreadful but a neat idea! One star is for that!

But what is truly horrific is the fact 90% of large sharks have been killed in the last 20 years to provide shark fins for the Chinese and other Asians - THAT is the TRUE HORROR here.

Look at the Shark Trust website to discover more - the shark fin trade is wiping out these beautiful animals who hardly ever attack people.

Not sure whether this low budget Brit horror is meant to be a serious film or tongue-in-cheek - if the latter, it's not a patch on Shaun of the Dead. If the former, gawd help us all.

Very badly made with AWFUL sound - sometimes you cannot even hear the dialogue being spoken - and acting so wooden it could belong to the forest where the latter half of the movie is set (except Lee Bane who can act). The story jumps around, and the funny parts, if intended to be so (though this is labelled horror not comedy) are just not funny or OTT enough. cf Shaun of the Dead. If you want a piss-take then you MUST be really funny and make viewers laugh - I never did. Not once. Groaned in despair and shook my head at the sheer awfulness, yes. But laugh? Nope.

Bafflingly there is a Mexican music soundtrack, and weirdly the opening scene is shot in Swansea High Street with Oxfam's bookshop opposite.

An absurd car explosion scene which starts in a carpark and ends in the countryside! A very silly final scene too.

It could have been tidied up and rewritten to make it really funny - though I see it already way as a credit is to someone called Christopher who wrote the original screenplay that's been revised and added to by the director obviously.

The puppet T-Rex reminds me of old Dr Whos from the 1970s and no bad thing there - hilarious the way the camera always points up with that (the beast as no moving feet LOL!) and buildings to make em look bigger and keep cars and lamp posts out of shot!

1.5 stars rounded up to 2 stars for effort and that is really being VERY generous! Please god don't let there be a sequel.

This is a truly great and ground-breaking film, and should by rights have won the best Foreign Film Oscar.

It's a fascinating story of the Xhosa initiation ceremony for young men in South Africa. But it is SO much more than that.

Yes, it's about homosexuality, but it's really about friendship, loyalty, betrayal, conformity and nonconformism, and what fear makes us do. It is about what it is to be a man.

A brilliant film which I was thinking about long after watching it - and you cannot say that for many movies!

5 stars. The best foreign film I have watched this year.

This film starts with a neat idea - people have to stay quiet or they'll get killed by monsters.

Now therein lies 2 problems: 1) I could not suspend my disbelief re these monsters, rather as with Cloverfield - the reason why they are here on earth is never addressed and they're just CGI monsters not real ones like dinosaurs. 2) I simply could not believe people and esp children could stay completely silent for years.

Also, animals would all be wiped out in an instant surely and birds because they cannot stay silent - which is another massive plot hole.

Predictably, this turns into a feminist movie at the end - a yawnsome cliché these days.

It is so derivative too - reminded me of The Road, Cloverfield, even Jurassic Park and the old horror film Tremors (with Kevin Bacon!). Plus the usual trope of running through a cornfield (maize actually). See many movies for where that came from.

So an average film which cannot sustain its main premise really, despite trying and it is very trying as the jeopardy is predictably raised with the predictable pregnancy/baby trope and the flood (all done better in Apocalypto).

A mediocre forgettable affair so 2.5 stars rounded up.

This film is so-so - typically pretentious French in its use of black and white and colour film, and its slow pace. It looks very pretty with pretty people sitting around smoking a lot.

It is based loosely on a US film from decades ago as it says on the credits at the end (The Bewitched?)

Anyway, so-so and intriguing in parts.

But ultimately pretty forgettable really.

2.5 stars.

So this is watchable - the part real photography part animation is impressive. But it is ultimately very odd to have brontosauruses living as a family unit and farming; and T-rexes ranching bison. And baddie pteradactyls too.

But if you can suspend your disbelief at that nonsense, it is so-so - all the usual plot devices are here, with a young kid trying to find is way home and save his family.

A weird dog-like baby human is just - well, weird.

And some violence that wouldn't be allowed in a middle grade children's book (father dying, cut create eaten, head ripped of a beetle).

So watchable but nowhere near as good as classic Pixar. Maybe watch with the Land Before Time and old Disney animation also with talking dinosaurs.

2.5 stars rounded up.

This film is as AWFUL as the ever-irritation attention-seeking talent-free-zone called John Otway.

It actually makes me really angry, because genuinely talented musicians and singers get no success or publicity because unfunny prats like this has-been or never-was clog up the airwaves.

If you find the class clown at the office who comes to the Christmas part in fancy dress funny, or find some annoying unlike with a light up spinning bow tie funny, or fine other talentless show-offs funny (like Frank Zappa, Freddie Starr et al), then no doubt you will find this hilarious.

I just found it crass and annoying. I'd rather pay not to have watched it.

NO STARS

I enjoyed this film. OK it has many faults, chief of which is the atrocious werewolf 'make-up' (basically a couple of masks!) and NO transformation as in AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON as that'd cost too much.

And the locations are sometimes hilarious - Cardiff stands in for Berlin, for example, and the Welsh countryside is Argentina at the end! And concentration camps have only 4 prisoners who all look rather plump LOL!

And of course, Mengele escaped Germany and died of a stroke whilst swimming off Mexico in 1979, as his exhumed body proved a few years ago.

This is a very bitty movie done in chapters - but I liked that.

MASSIVE plot hole at the start when a barman who cannot understand English then apparently can understand a long speech. But hey, it's TRASH and knows it's trash. It's honest in that and I enjoyed it way more than dreadful movies such as LALA-LAND or BIRDMAN or BLACK SWAN - all Oscar winners!

This is obviously influenced by another awful movie: INGLORIOUS BASTURDS or however the over-rated Tarantino is spelling it these days!

The accents wobble hilariously (Americans say 'uman NOT Human!), but the special effects blood splatter will no doubt appeal to teens.

The soundtrack works anyway.

So anyway, better than some other Andrew Jones trash like ROBERT and ROBERT 2 which were so slow, and holds the tension better than the 2nd half of CABIN 28.

So 2.5 stars rounded up.