Rent Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)

O...M...G - Fifty Shades of Grey review by SN

Saw this with the misses as I really wanted to see what the fuss was all about and to see if it really is that bad. It is.

What surprised me the most was not the absolute drivel of a plot or a absurd nature of the script but just how damn boring the whole thing was. Really it is quite dull. I yawned 3 times in the closing hour. Even the misses who at first was all giggly and laughing at the screen for the first half hour was utterly silent and turned off in the second half when it went all S&M and bondage crap. It was not even kinky. We just watched some rich dude gently beat some pretty upper middle class white virgin in her early 20s (but who looked like 26). So this was what middle aged woman crave ?. This is the best that they want ?. This and Strictly I suppose.

The whole aspect of it was utterly unrealistic. We have a billionaire playboy who does zero work (it would be nice to put some background story of how he made his millions - nope.)

We have a sub plot about some Mexican dude who also fancies the virgin 20 year old but that sub plot went nowhere. In his second scene he makes a pass to the girl and then he got whacked by the billionaire and then went off sulking some where never to be seen again. You would thought some sort of dramatic scene would take place, like a stand off, but again - nope. So sub plot was not even a plot. It was really just 2 scenes that served....well nothing really. Just scenes. To waste time.

This billionaire then wants this 20 year old virgin to sign a contract so that he can do a bit of S&M on her. She falls in love (maybe because he is her first and you know the first cut is the deepest) and cannot understand why he is so fucked up. He does not want to tell. She walks out. That is it. That is the film. It just ends. Not with a cliff hanger but her just leaving....on a billionaire...who lightly slapped her...oh yeah and spanked her a little. So a 20 year old colleague student, who works in a shop, walks out on a billionaire who buys her things, like first editions, a laptop and really expensive car because he spanked her bottom 6 times. She walked out on a billionaire because he would not "respect her". Did we (the audience) care. Nope. No 2 f***s were given.

Everybody in this film was thin, good looking and either rich or very well off. Like everyone. Even the butler. And all the extras. All the people in the nightclub - they were good looking. All the colleague students - yep they were pretty as well. Everyone was good looking. It went beyond Hollyoaks, it was like watching a world where eulogy succeeded.

The story had no tension. Not even sexual tension. It was like watching a high class soft porn movie when all see is the occasional bum and tits. Jesus in a world when HBO and Starz give us simulated sex that outclasses this you begin to wonder - why the appeal ?.

If it can awarded zero it would get that but since 1 is the lowest star, it will get a 1 only because I got to see Dakota Johnson's bum, and that, at least will make up somewhat for the wasted evening.

I can see why the book was a hit on the Kindle, to save the embarrassment of someone admitting they have read this absolute garbage.

When taken with an enormous pinch of salt, this film can be quite a laugh, despite the creepy tone - Fifty Shades of Grey review by TB

When the Fifty Shades books were released, very quickly they became both a sensation & a source of massive controversy. Embraced by enormous numbers of women all over the world, this story of a sweet innocent virgin who falls in love with/becomes entangled with a billionaire who is also in to S&M tapped into something which has so far seen over 150 million books sold all around the world (and that's only the figures upto 2017.) So, it was only a matter of time before the movie adaptations followed.

However, both the books and the films have had excoriating reviews, mainly due to the fact that the story itself isn't actually that good, although the mechanics of the story, in terms of a rich powerful man controlling a young woman also raised a lot of hackles as well. But for me, there is another far more amusing reason as to why this film was always destined for failure: if you want to watch barely disguised soft-core pornography, rent a porn film... And part of the reason this film doesn't work is quite simply because of that.

Also, alongside this, the actual film itself is fairly terrible, starting with the two leads. There is almost no chemistry between them at all. One of the clichés which is often bandied about in the media is when you have two actors who are in an emotional & racy film together, then either get together afterwards or there are rumours of what they got upto... There was no such rumours on this film. They actively look uncomfortable in each others presence when filming the intimacy scenes.

As for supporting characters, these are fairly rubbish as well. Whether it's the different members of Christian's family or Ana's co-workers, everyone looks like they've just come from a Vogue fashion shoot. Every student at Ana's university looks like they are professional models who dip in & out of classes to prance on a catwalk. The filthy student house with the occupants eating nothing but beans on toast seems to have missed this part of the US.

So how come, after writing all of the above, have I given it 3 stars? Because there is also quite a lot of fun to be had if you switch your brain off and don't take it seriously. And I'm not talking about the bondage/S&M scenes. These are terribly filmed/staged, not in any way arousing & did nothing for me personally. What I am talking about is the lightness of touch, as well as the more silly moments.

The best scene by far is the first time Christian & Anastasia meet in his office at the beginning of the film. It is a scene which is allowed to play out naturally, with good dialogue & it is clear that the actors are having fun. There is a silliness which you see here which sadly only lasts for that 20 minutes, although the contract negotiation is also funny, albeit not as good. The other thing which this film has in it's favour is that not only does it have an extremely competent director in Sam Taylor-Wood, but also an enormous budget which this film takes full advantage of. The sets, cinematography, colour palette ect is all absolutely 1st class. To look at, the film is gorgeous.

So taken together as a package, there is much to enjoy here. But don't expect a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination. If you aren't in the right frame of mind, you'll just get annoyed. However, if you take it with a pinch of salt (I saw it in the cinema surrounded with women and there were cheers & whoops at various points,) you can have a laugh.

Sadly, the sequels are atrocious, primarily due to EL James firing most of this film's creative team & taking full creative control.

Not engaging - Fifty Shades of Grey review by TJ

I watched this film after persuasion from my partner who assured me it was actually worth watching. I would suggest that unless you've read the book you'd struggle to follow the narrative because their just isn't, we'll one that follows the premise and rules set up at the beginning of the film.

Not engaging avoid unless you loved the book