Rent Petrified (2006)

Spoilers ... - Petrified review by NP

I’m not sure I see what inspires people to make films like this. Parodies are fine, but when the parody itself is made with much less money and sophistication than the genre it is parodying, it’s difficult to see the point.

I am assuming ‘Petrified’ is one such film. It doesn’t invite itself to be taken seriously, yet there is nothing here particularly amusing. The most successful aspect of it is the main creature (a vampire mummy who turns many of its victims to stone). For a low budget venture, I’ve seen far less convincing monsters. And yet any scene with the creature is played and shot so badly that even the most invested viewer must find it hard to take things seriously.

To allow for some mild titillation, events occur in a hospital designed to cure nymphomania. We see lesbians attempting to have sex. I mention this because it leads to a joke in the script which demonstrates the level of finesse on display.

Experiments are being carried out of some patients allowing them to appear younger than their real age.

“She’s actually 61 years old”, points out the doctor.

“Ew,” pouts her lover. “You mean I’ve been muff-diving an old hag?”

Another gem is this:

“This is not of terrestrial origin.” “What, you mean like E.T.?”

I might not ‘get’ this film, and that’s fair enough. If there are those that find this entertaining, then I’m glad: presumably those who wrote and produced it had a hoot. But it really isn’t for me.