Rent Scarecrow (2013)

Spoilers follow ... - Scarecrow review by NP

A group of students on a detention ‘break’: all twenty-somethings, suitably attractive and perfectly manicured. A nice-guy teacher, probably late-twenty-something, casually perfect. They’re travelling to a remote field, allegedly haunted, to dismantle the great scarecrow there and have it returned to the local town in time for a festival. Kristen (Lacey Chabert), whose parents own the land, turns up – stunning and immaculate also, her job is to fish uncertainly for compliments beneath dough-eyes, from teacher Aaron (Robert Dunne) who, it turns out, is her ex. Her current boyfriend also turns up. Guess what? He’s a lovely looking lad as well. All characters are equipped with the usual put-downs and quick prom-wit and, as written and played, are as blandly perfect, or as perfectly bland, as can be. All set? Alright then, let the loud noises and ‘weird happenings’ instantly reduce them into shrieking quiverers.

From this point, all previous patchy personalities, such as they are, are done away with and the group become as one: victims waiting to happen. Only ginger outcast Cal (Iain Belcher) retains his given nervous personality, which gets him a girl, if only for a short time. There are moments in between the crashes and panicking where some of the (alleged) teens get close to ‘making out’ with each other, but good grief - between the horror non-events and the scriptwriters’ take on ‘burgeoning relationships’ and scratchy voiced profundity, this is a film that refuses to affect me in any way whatsoever.

I shouldn’t perhaps be so grumpy: this is not for me, but it does seem to be a genre. ‘Teen-slasher’ will rarely go out of fashion, because it has rarely been in fashion. It has long since existed though, on the peripheries, secondary to its memorable Freddies and Jasons, feeding the spaces and silences on a first date, and not meant to be concentrated upon too much. Some listings mistakenly have ‘Scarecrow’s running time at 197 minutes, which would be truly terrifying. At its true length of 87 minutes, it provides nothing much, doesn’t really offend, and contains a fairly reasonable CGI scarecrow but not a lot in terms of actual shivers. The main man Aaron presents limited displays of shock and resourcefulness, making sure the pearly whites are on display.