The Machine (2023)

The Machine review by Mark McPherson - Cinema Paradiso

The marketing campaign behind The Machine was mildly vague, and I must admit it did intrigue me. The ambiguous trailers suggested that comedian Bert Kreischer was a big deal and would be playing himself in an exaggerated action romp, where the comedian is regarded as a big deal. But much like the ultimate reveal of Bert’s history in this story, it feels like a bait and switch, where the film promises you a giddy action-comedy but mostly delivers a lackluster adventure of less-than-amusing anecdotes.

Bert Kreischer is established in this story as a man whose best days are behind him. In 1999, he was a freshman in college sent abroad to Russia, where he earned the nickname of The Machine. Though his name is that of folklore, the true story is an underwhelming case of misspeaking Russian. His college party days led to the modern day, where he’s a typical, overweight, suburban dad who embarrasses his wife and children. With his comedy career failing, he’s searching to better himself. What’s not helping the situation is the arrival of his scrutinizing father, Albert (Mark Hamill), who passive-aggressively insults his son and tries to nudge him toward his business for a proper job.

Bert’s life is turned upside down when his viral stand-up act attracts the attention of the Russian mafia. This leads to him and his dad being kidnapped by Irina, a Russian mobster who wants a gold watch that Bert lost back in college. Held hostage, Bert and Albert are forced to recall Bert’s hazy college memories to retrieve a lost item, lest they be assassinated. They need to figure it out fast, as other mobsters have taken notice and are willing to kill for this MacGuffin.

Bert’s story is a bland one of trying to live up to a title and prove himself to his family. It has the egotistical leanings of a vanity project for a story that may seem like it’s trying to be self-deprecating but comes off as more self-aggrandizing. The whole joke is that Bert’s title is phony, but everybody knows it. Are we really supposed to believe that there is a folk legend of this guy being a powerful figure, even when he weighed less and was only mildly less annoying for his whole gimmick being Austin Powers impersonations? The adventure is not about Bert gaining back his mojo through some revelation but through fighting mobsters in an absurd manner. This leads to several scenes prior where Bert blusters about, failing to land punches and being mocked for his dad body.

Nothing in The Machine works all that well. The jokes mostly fall flat, where probably the only time I smirked was Hamil’s performance of a guy who really stresses his business and its convenient locations. Outside of that, it’s mostly routine fish-out-of-water gags about an annoying dad getting involved with the mafia and lackluster gags about the late-90s. I’m trying to fathom who would ultimately find this film the funniest on its merits. Loser dads, maybe? Millennials who piqued in college? Bert Kreischer fans, most likely. I write that as somebody who is not a big fan of Bert and is not all that enthused to check out his act based on this film.

The Machine is faulty. It’s a tired film whose only credit is that some of the fight scenes are competently staged with some mildly amusing slapstick here and there. The bulk of the film is trying so hard to mix action and comedy, but never makes it work, either due to the tired idea of a script or the C- jokes that Bert unloads on his Russian adventure. This is a viral bit that should’ve stayed on YouTube.