Rent The Serpent (2020)

The Serpent review by Mark McPherson - Cinema Paradiso

Gia Skova writes, directs, and stars in this passion project of her own doing that is little more than vanity. This is that project that every would-be celebrity talks about as being their dream, where they get to be a part of a big action movie where they’re the hero who kicks a lot of ass. Going further back in time, this is the pretend ideal of a kid who with a rampant ego who always wanted to be invincible and have all the superpowers. This whole film just feels like a lackluster way of Gia stating “Yeah, I could do a Jason Bourne movie.”

This much is true in terms of staging such a film. She plays Lucinda Kavsky, a CIA agent. Now, wait, isn’t Gia Russian? Well, her voice is dubbed over but with a British accent. This is just one of the main unfortunate choices in a film that turns into one disaster after another, loaded with CG explosions and awkward fight scenes that carry no grit. Would it surprise anybody if the first act of the film essentially involves her being betrayed by her own agency?

What may surprise you is the overall premise which is laughably bad. The big twist here is that there’s a bio-bomb that is being used to transform newborn babies into nuclear bombs. Lucinda’s ultimate goal is to venture to China and ensure that these babies don’t grow up to become bombs but not through killing though. That would make her look bad so she has a special microchip she will use to save them.

That’s the general idea of the story but it is so sloppily told. The film jumps all over the place with flashbacks and twists that veer all over the place are rarely connect enough to make sense. At some point, the film just becomes a blur between Serpent’s time in prison and her hit on a strip bar where she gets revenge on her father.

Nothing about this film works and I’m really trying to find some positive hear. The dialogue is all terrible and not just the lines that are dubbed over for Gia. The staging of the many fight sequences is clunky with too many cuts and shots that just don’t work. The fights are not even exciting, especially since the audience is going to have a harder time trying to piece any of this dreck together.

The Serpent is just a downright bad action movie. I wish I could muster up more than that but I just can’t. There’s not nearly enough in this trainwreck to warrant being so bad it’s good since most of its absurdity has to do with the faith in tired cliches, ill-thought writing, and action scenes with far too many snips. I’d write more but The Serpent just isn’t worth any more time than the minutes I’ve already sunk into its pretentious prattling of fists and bullets.